How To Get A Valentine For Dummies
Look at you. It’s February 14th and once again you’re all alone, wrapped in a blanket, watching a romantic comedy while you eat an entire tub of ice cream. Well, today is your lucky day! With this FOOLPROOF guide, you too will be back on the streets with your arm around that special someone in no time!
For The Gentleman
Who Smelt It Dealt It
Nobody will want to be your valentine if you smell like armpits, which you probably do. Do yourself a favor, invest in the most expensive cologne at your local department store. (Bonus points if its AXE Body Spray)
You’re My Wonderwall
The most well-known love song that anyone with 10 fingers and no guitar knowledge can play and impress that special someone. If Oasis could do it, you can too.
The Friendzone
So you’re too scared to send her a text message… Add her to your Close Friends list! With this foolproof system, you can have this special someone as close to you as possible, without ever interacting with them directly!
Face Value
Let’s be honest, we both know those three hairs on your lips are not a mustache. You look terrible. Shave it off, you’ll do them (and the world) a big favor.
For The Lady
Ignorance Is Bliss
Are you crazy about someone? You can’t wait to respond after they send you a text? Great! Ignore them. By doing this you’ll essentially be guaranteed 110% of their attention onto you as well as a most definite date to make up for whatever they thought they did wrong.
Ex’s and Oh’s
If you wanna keep things interesting, always mention your ex. The primitive male mind will detect him as a threat and that, essentially, will lead to him always trying to outdo everything he ever did. Date nights will get a lot more creative after this.
Dress To Impress
Do us a favor. Grab those FILA shoes and burn them. They don’t make you look quirky, they look awful. Add a Starbucks and an iPhone and you now look, how the cool kids call it, “basic”. Ditch the FILAs, buy Nikes.
Do Your Research
If you truly want to get to know him better, do a little research. It won't hurt going a few years deep into his Instagram… He doesn’t have to know…