Toxic Waste
New love.
You only have eyes for each other, you spend all of your time together, you are aware of each other’s every move. Sounds wonderful, right? Well, it depends. The need of authority and the urge to control has become a big issue in present relationships. Although being in a romantic relationship is something that many aspire to have at this age, it is important to consider that it may turn sour, without you even noticing. Many teens, ASFM students among them, have been part of a toxic relationship. They shared their stories in the hope of warning others of falling into the same situations.
Testimony #1
We started dating and everything was perfect. I am not shy, so I had a very strong friendship with guy friends, that made him mad and complicated our relationship.
One day I wanted to go to a pool party and he wasn’t invited, so he told me I could not go. At first, I was submissive, but then I began to step up and challenge what he ordered. I started making a few decisions on my own. For example, I did go to the party, but the condition was that I couldn’t get in the pool, so I didn’t. That was the way things worked for a while.
“On a daily basis, no matter what I was wearing, he told me I looked like a slut. “
He prohibited me from wearing leggings to school. During exam week, I came in sports clothes, I wanted to be comfortable but I had to tie another sweater around my waist. He always got mad and and was rude towards me. The worst part is, I do not remember if I realized this back then, but he was constantly talking to other girls. One time we were on Skype and he suddenly got a message, I wondered who he could be talking to via Skype. I asked him about it and he said it was one of my friends. “She told me not to tell you anything but I was talking with her just now,” he said. I was shocked. He would also talk to other girls who were older than me while I was dating him. Then there was a rumor that he had kissed another girl.
Testimony #2
I met him in seventh grade and I started to talk a lot with him, but he liked another girl, and I was only his best friend. That summer, between 7th and 8th,we fought about everything, even though we were not dating. I remember the day he got mad at me because I went to a party without him. After a while, we decided to start dating, but the relationship was always ugly. Just like before, he scolded me about everything. He was very controlling, he threatened me, took advantage of me being younger and because of that, I did not realize what was going on. He was my first boyfriend so I didn’t know what had to be done. Everything was toxic, but it got out of hand in 9th when I broke up with him. When he saw me talking in the hallway with someone, he would send me WhatsApps and started to call me during class.
After a while he asked if I wanted to date him again, and I said yes, I was too afraid to have problems. My thought was, I'd rather be with him to make him happy than have him threatening me. We broke up many times for many different reasons, but we became dependent on each other. It was horrible, he screamed at me all the time, always forcing me to go here, go there, do this, do that. I fought with my family because they wanted me to break up, but I was too scared.
“One day, we learned about toxic relationships in ChEd, and this opened my eyes. I thought it was normal for my partner to scream at me.”
I saw it every day in my house. When I was dating him he would yell at me and tell me rude things, but I thought that was okay. When I spoke with the teacher about this she made it very clear that what was going on had to stop. When I broke up in Bach I, I told my friends everything. What he did to me, the way he talked, and I showed them all of the conversations we had. Luckily, they helped me get over it. After this, I avoided him in school, stopped answering his calls, and blocked him on social media. We then talked and he said sorry about everything he did. Even though I am over it now, the whole relationship was tiring and problematic while it lasted.
Testimony #3
In Bach I, I asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend. The problems started because she had personal issues, and I was always the one blamed for them. Whenever something happened, she was constantly rude towards me and would use a lot of bad words which made me feel like everything was my fault, as if I wasn’t good at anything. She was always the one that decided what had to be done, and there was no arguing. It got to the point where I did not see my friends and family anymore, she made me go against the people I loved the most. Also, I couldn’t talk to other girls. One day I went with my grandmother and my mother for lunch and she made me feel that what I was doing was wrong. She started telling me that she was going to go to a party that night and flirt with the first guy she saw, just because I went to eat with them and not her. I knew that if I told anybody what was going on, they were going to get mad at me for being with her. My parents started noticing the way my relationship was affecting me and they often told me to break up, my friends did as well.
“I was stuck between choosing my friends and family, or her. “
I stayed with her because I was blindly in love. It was very hard for me to let go, she was my first girlfriend and I was very attached to that idea. I felt that I was never going to meet someone that was going to love me and now I realize I will someday. My advice to someone who is going through the same thing is that everything will be okay. It is important that we don’t let anybody interfere with our happiness and close relationships. There are people that have personal issues. Help them, but do not let those problems cost you your dignity, happiness, or your stability.
The Friend Role
Mónica Acosta, MSHS psychologist, expressed that even though she has only handled few cases here in school, they are still present.
“I believe these start when one feels he/she is responsible for making the other happy.
This sets a cycle, where when one fails to make the other happy, he/she won’t feel good enough.” She states how dependency can later become an issue.
The psychologist emphasized the importance friends have in a relationship, for both the good and the bad. “A real friend tells you what she believes, however [she/he] doesn’t impose anything upon you. Many times, girls try to take on the role of saving or protecting their friend, which generates conflict. In reality, being objective about a friend’s partnership is quite challenging.”
High school relationships commonly suffer interventions from friends who feel the boy or girl isn’t the right one. However, everyone needs to learn how and when to establish limits. “To tell those who oppose your decisions to let you live your journey, and give him or her an opportunity.”
Ms. Acosta expressed that high school is a very important time in your life. “This is when you learn, you make mistakes, you fall and you get up again, it's where you make irrational decisions, this is the moment.”
It is important to listen to those around us, but also to be aware and reflect constantly on the relationship we have.
At the end of the day, it’s up to you to notice if your relationship is a troubling one. No one will be around policing you and telling you what to do or not to. Student testimonies, expert counsel, and the signs are only beneficial if you choose to act on them.
6 signs you’re in a toxic relationship
Isolation
They pull you away from everyone, even friends and family. If your partner controls your relationships, that’s a major red flag.
Exhaustion
In a healthy relationship, partners help the other grow; in toxic ones, good times come on rare occasions.
Permission
Feeling the need to ask for authorization to do anything is a symptom of lack of trust.
“Jokes”
Has your partner ever made a rude comment and them claimed it was a joke? Real jokes make you feel included, toxic ones belittle you.
Volatility
Drastic change in moods in both’s emotions is indicative of a problem. Constant unsteadiness between high highs and low lows marks a potentially dangerous relationship.
Passive- Aggressive Behavior
Passive-aggressive behaviors are those that involve acting indirectly aggressive behavior. Bad words, strong voice, and malicious demands should be avoided.